⚠️Warning for IRLs// I use reality checking language as a way to explain this properly to non-psychotics!⚠️
‼️ONLY FOR AWARENESS (+saying to stay the fuck away from me if you still support them <3)‼️

Thing on Bf.Land/Beefzle/lullabeeps/bf.land.trio/life.of.the.goths/benjiefairest/liminalbenjie/pico.shit/ oh my god you have so many alts

Before I start, I don’t care how old of a situation this is. I still have horrible panic attacks, sometimes I have psychotic episodes, and I’m never forgiving them.
This is about my personal experiences, and maybe it’s fucking immature to still be this angry over something months ago: I don’t care. But here’s a doc someone made about OTHER peoples experiences before I continue on.

Reality Checking/AbleismMarch 15th-16th, 2022Back in March, I made a story post evaluating my DNI and it included, and still includes, a user known as Kaedeath. When they saw that, I guess they fucking hated me! I didn’t do anything to them, we have no history of bad blood other than me not being friends with their friend due to my boundaries which last I checked, I’m allowed to have, because I don’t have to cater to you specifically as a public account.
[To clarify: me and Kaedeath are FINE, we don’t have any technical bad blood and we agreed to stop interacting with each other due to our differences. There is no real drama. I’m just not comfortable with them and they want to do what they want to do.][What the barf is with the IRL thing?]I am Benjamin Fairest, someone could say I’m an IRL, while I don’t prefer it; he’s just me and I am him, that’s it. But they seem to think or have thought that IRLs are Kinnies, which they’re not. Delusional attachments/IRLs are completely involunatary and caused by psychosis, we don’t choose our sources or who we want to be like some fuckass kinnie that actually thinks they are them despite NOT being psychotic. Psychosis is not necessarily a mental illness, but it is a symptom, and it’s still not fucking okay to so apathetically cause panic attacks that you are AWARE of and don’t care because you want to white knight for your friend who isn’t your friend now because you’re a bad person![Continuation]They go on to call me a “kinnie” or that I’m literally not fucking real “fake” and berate me for “throwing a tantrum” at “other” kinnies of me existing; which I don’t fucking care for, just don’t act like you’re me as a non-psychotic person. Stating that “I get that you probably feel like your Benjamin but you sure don’t act like it”, which doesn’t fucking make sense! You’re not him/me, YOU wouldn’t know how I act, I literally have memories of everything that happened, that trauma is fucking real those experiences to me are REAL and every single one of my memories are “canon” in my source/media.

Evidence for that section.

Proof that it is not forged other than connecting the two screenshots.
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[Thoughts on what they’d said]This gave me a horrible panic attack and fucking psychotic episode after thinking about it more because it’s hard to get stuff OFF my mind; I almost killed myself because I thought I had to relive my father’s years of abuse. It makes me twitch and tic horribly just thinking about the messages because being reality checked, while getting under my skin it doesn’t necessarily “work”, so I’m just left with the horrible feeling that I don’t exist at all and I’m just some empty, blank, emotionless, entity that cannot even be considered human.
I don’t care that I’m not Kaede’s friend, I really don’t. I would rather die than continue to see someone support a relationship between my best friend/Grace and my own boyfriend/Pico. I consider Grace x Pico proship in the aspect that it’s essentially Pico x Cassandra but a “misunderstood” version as Grace had an misplacement of blame and hatred for their trauma on Pico for YEARS because everyone was traumatized from that shooting. It does not mean anything to ship it in “other universes”, it is still not canon and will forever be toxic in canon, even if Grace were to be Pico’s FRIEND they have a boyfriend and it’s not my boyfriend. The creator themselves said that they considered making us a poly relationship too, but it was too toxic and wouldn’t be healthy. I also just find it icky to ship “characters” in a canon gay relationship in a straight relationship, even if the shipped character is mspec.

Reality Checking/Ableism Part 2April 4th, 2022In April, they came under the comments on one of my drawings, claiming that I’m “fake”. For someone who is NOT an irl and in fact, on record, a KINNIE, bf.land shouldn’t have anywhere to talk.I made a story post saying to not be like them and go out of your way to harass people who are doing nothing to you; and for the record, I didn’t even actually know it was bf.land, I thought they were one of those IRLs that were dicks and reality checked other people to make themselves feel more valid.They go on to say that my mention of my panic attack is “throwing a tantrum” over “other kinnies” (again) and twisting my words to a non-direct quote “stop reality checking other kinnies” when I had stated to not reality check doubles and it’s perfectly normal to believe they don’t exist as an irl but just don’t be a dick if you meet one. They say that I am not like Benjamin and never will be, but they are not either. I wouldn’t go out of my way to harass someone over quite a period of time over something like not being your friends friend. Not everyone will like me, I know that, but you have no place to talk when you believe that you somehow know how I would act when you’re NOT ME. It’s clear they are aware that I had a panic attack because of their reality checking because I had mentioned it in the same story post.I experience low empathy and compassion for others, I literally have BPD, but god, you are a dick as a neurotypical little ass kid, who is confirmed to be 12, to just be like this all because I wouldn’t be kaede’s bestie. And I don’t care that they’re “only 12”, they’re still a horrible fucking person for this. Age is not an excuse, especially since they seem to want to act mature all of the time.They go on to assume that I believe “Benjamin belongs to you[me]”, which I don’t. I understand that people think that I’m just a fictional character and I am aware I am from a piece of media but I’m still real.“get a life” i’m not the one actively going to my alts to harass someone else.And you know that they’re just calling me a kinnie on purpose at this point, because they put it in quotes. Mocking being an irl? How much more of an ableist dick can you be? I. I don’t really understand what they meant by gatekeeper. That I believe I’m Benjamin and no one else? I still subconsciously believe and know doubles exist, it’s a coping belief and it doesn’t hurt anyone as long as you’re not actively going to other doubles and reality checking them as I’ve said before.

Evidence for that section
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Proof these are not forged, however cropped for my own privacy.
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The said story post; which is just me saying not to be a dick. Sorry it is so crunchy I put music over every story post ever

Dogshit Callout and possible stalking of others

May 7th(?), 2022They even went out of their way to make a “call out” post about me, which honestly I don’t know would have incriminating about me other than saying not to be a dick. I didn’t read nor look at it too much because the cover made me tic and twitch already, as I hate the thought of looking like a bad person, but I genuinely don’t understand why I would be in the wrong. It was taken down by Kaedeath’s wishes. I don’t actually know when the post was made, I just saw it on the 7th of May.From one of my friends, who I will keep anonymous, stated that they were basically saying that I deserved to be harassed, and when confronted about the dangers of reality checking they simply didn’t care and even started being a dick to her.

Evidence/witness input
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Proof it’s a dm at all, I don’t see why you’d think that I’d screenshot this immediately.

Overall thoughts, what’s up, etc.

I’m never forgiving them, Ever. And you know, maybe, just maybe, I don’t need to! I mean, in their own words in a now archived post, they don’t need anyone else’s forgiveness! They just need to forgive themselves! It doesn’t matter that I almost committed suicide, it doesn’t matter that I’ve had countless psychotic episodes just thinking about the things they said! /sarcasm.Because to non-psychotics I’m stupid. How I feel doesn’t matter because it doesn’t affect them, and they don’t have to care, they don’t, it’s just a matter of not being a fucking dick about things.They claim that they are no monster and to that I say that they fucking are. Forgiving yourself does not change or exempt you from your actions and does not make you any less of a horrible person. Some things you just can’t come back from, this is one of them.Your [bf.land] trauma is not a factor here either, “my trauma made me act out” no it did not. It is your conscious decision to be a fucker afterwards and that is where your trauma becomes an excuse and not an explanation. A person could be cautious of certain things after trauma, and that is only one example, but just be a dick to people? Maybe, but to me, right now, no.I don’t care that they are 12 I don’t I really don’t they shouldn’t be on the internet anyways, I’m so much younger than you guys probably think and this entire experience with them has been fucking TRAUMATIZING. Normal occurrences don’t give you batshit crazy panic attacks and trigger psychotic episodes/distress/whatever.All I believe they can do now is improve on themselves and ACTUALLY be a good fucking person, instead of constantly getting into/creating unnecessary drama and being a dick like some fuckwad. I still won’t ever forgive them. And that’s okay.Do not FUCKING interact with me if you are still in support of them or you think that, “This isn’t that big of a deal!” Delusional attachments affect EVERY. SINGLE. THING. About a person. I have no concept of my “own” identity outside of Benjamin and other characters that I am.